In what is clearly by now nothing short of a stunning turn of events, I’m depressed. Severely depressed. The kind of depressed where I’m honestly not so much functioning as I am “using my autopilot abilities to perform some semblance of functioning.”
Allie of Hyperbole and a Half, who happens to be an idol of mine, recently updated her blog for the first time in months with a beautifully-illustrated tale of her own struggles with depression that have kept her away from the clicky-clacky thing that makes words show up on the computer. I enjoyed it as much as you can possibly enjoy reading about another human being’s suffering, and it was interesting how it manifested itself for her in a way that’s simultaneously the same and different than the show it’s currently putting on in the West End of my brain. (The costuming sucks, but Catherine Zeta-Jones is doing great with her portrayal of Primary Depression Blob #2.)
Unlike Allie, I am feeling things besides the obvious overwhelming sorrow. They’re there under this terrible numb-feeling that I guess is kind of like what she went through, except even if I’m only mildly aware of them to begin with they still pop up from time to time, just in these horribly superficial versions that I know lack the depth of relative normalcy. I can giggle at an episode of 30 Rock and really mean that giggle, but there’s something plastic about it, some vital component of it that would say “hey, this is a legit emotion” that’s just not there. It is the Uncanny Valley of feeling.
I am getting out of bed in the morning. I am trying to play the I Win game but every victory seems hollow, even the one where I put something in the microwave and run to the bathroom to pee and then make it back before my food’s done, which up until this point has been one of my proudest achievements. There is this voice, you see, that isn’t actually there, but likes to wait until I’m really high up there in Not Feeling Like Complete Shitville before kicking me in the ribcage and fist-pumping while it watches me crash back down into Blerghsburg.
I mean, I’m in California. I am back in my home, a place that I have missed for a very long time. But whenever I try to reflect on this to bring myself up out of the gloom, that voice pops up again:
“Yay! I’m in beautiful Southern California! I live less than ten minutes from the Blizzard campus! I can walk down the street without having to worry about getting mugged! Life is pretty awesome!”
Is it? I mean, you still don’t have a job or anything.
“Well… yeah, but I’m still applying to Blizz and to jobs in the meantime! Look at all the shiny opportunities here!”
How many callbacks have you gotten?
“…None yet, but that’s okay, it’s going to take them time to sort through all the app–”
Open up your email inbox. How many rejection letters are there?
“…Okay, like 12 or 13, but that’s just inspiration to do better next time!”
Ever thought that maybe they just don’t want you because you’re still the same weird kid you were all through school and nothing you do is worth anything? I mean, if you had any talent at all, you’d have a job by now.
“I have talent! I mean, I didn’t go to college, but…”
Yeah, think about how much easier it’d be for you to get in if you could go back to school to learn coding instead of trying to teach it to yourself. Oh wait, you can’t because you can’t afford it and considering that you can’t even pay your cell phone bill anymore, you don’t have the time. You had your chance and you fucked it up. You can’t do shit. You can’t even get Target to call you back.
“At least I’m not homeless, right? My mom’s letting me stay with her till I get on my feet.”
Great job, you’re a grown-ass woman who’s burdening your family yet again because you can’t get your shit together. You should have stayed in Florida. At least you had friends there… well, people who pretended to like you, anyway. Look, kid, the only reason anybody gives you the time of day is because they feel sorry for you. They secretly think you made a stupid move coming back out here. They know you can’t do it. You know you can’t do it. Fuckup.”
It’s usually at this point that I end up staring at myself in the mirror and coming to the realization that everyone would be better off without me. It’s this burning desire not to take my own life, but to just throw some clean underwear in a bag and run away in the middle of the night without telling anyone where I’m going. I feel like I’m never going to amount to anything. I feel like I’m just one of those people who doesn’t belong anywhere, that there’s no place for me in this world or the next. I feel like just giving up and fully embracing twenty-six years of utter failure at life by devoting myself to laying on the couch and watching Netflix until I eventually choke on my 10-cent ramen noodles and die alone, let The Fiance find some way better-looking chick with fewer problems than me, let my mother and stepfather have their house back, and watch anything that might prove that I ever existed in the first place fade into oblivion. I was never here. It’s better that way, isn’t it? I keep trying to argue with myself that it’s just the voice of depression trying to drag me down again but I’m starting to wonder.
I’m at a crossroads. I could go back onto the same medication that crippled me and just deal with the fact that the physical pain I’m still struggling with is going to get worse again. Or I could keep pushing on through, numbly, hoping that something will eventually give and that after all of the suffering I’ve had to deal with in my life — there’s a reason I’ve got PTSD, you know, and it’s shit that even the writers for Law & Order: SVU wouldn’t touch on the grounds of it being “too messed up” — there’s going to be sunshine. Not even pure sunshine because expecting everything to be perfect all the time is stupid, but at least mostly sunshine with scattered showers, where the good outweighs the crap for once.
To be honest, I’m not even sure why I made this all into a blog entry. I meant to just put up a standard disclaimer that I wasn’t feeling well and a review of patch 5.3 would be forthcoming, but it just turned into… I don’t even know what. I guess I feel worse than I thought I did. I can’t explain any of this stuff to the few people I do have in my life without them either getting frustrated/angry at me because they don’t understand what I’m dealing with or telling me that it’s all in my head (no shit, that’s kind of the primary location of mental illness) and that all I have to do is think positive or whatever and everything will magically be fine. Even when I do have the opportunity to talk to other people I push everything to the backburner because holy shit, I’m the Bunny Overlord, I have a solemn duty to be random and quirky and funny and upbeat all the time, otherwise what good am I to anyone, right?
I think I’m going to have ice cream for dinner tonight. I deserve it.